Tuesday, September 29, 2009

FUCK IT




It's easy for people to disregard my existence, but it's hard for people to forgive themselves when I slash my wrists and bleed on their minds. No one cares until I'm not here to care about, so why bother with me?

I like to follow them, watch, learn about them, play with their self-conscious. Explode in their concentration and erode their emotions. Kill religion, burn the believers, coz I just don't give a fuck.

I'm insane, I can't feel anything, I see things but when I go to touch them they've gone. They disappear, dissolve into the mist. I hear them, I hear everyone when there is no one there. I heard myself laugh as the tears roll down my cheeks. I feel like I'm falling when I stand, I feel stiff when stiff when I fall.

I love to talk, but it never makes sense. Words come out all fucked up - pain, life; love, lost; hate, religion; kill, everything. No one hears me because I'm not talking to them, I'm talking to Satan. Satan hates me too, like everyone else, but never judges me. He controls my everything; my thoughts, pain, addiction.

It is always my fault, because I'm the only one in my world. There's no atmosphere, no surroundings, just me. Satan killed me, invaded my thoughts. He opened a trap door in the back of my mind, fell into a sleep, dark black void. As he climbs out he brings out the black, the charcoal pain, dripping crimson.

The crimson drops melt into my brain, flooding my head, it tries to escape. Through my nose, my eyes. Acid tears burn my eyeballs, Satan burns my throat.

Yesterday was full of surprises, the past always is - hypocritical shock and pain, hurt and discomfort. A twist in the endless fairy-tale of hate and darkness - why don't you just shoot me? Put a hole in my head with a blunt cordless drill. Take out my brain, drain away the blood. Throw it all away; leave the cavity that is already starting its existence in my head.

My mind is melting, thoughts ideas and emotions flooding out, flooding like the red fountain. The fountain won't stop, I start to feel faint. Satan shrieks with joy as the colour is stripped from my face.

Why am I abused? It's all uphill until you fall. I lie in a pool of my seeping veins. I taste my existence faintly and close my eyes. I close them and try to imagine the days when I lived in a real world full of real people, atmosphere and surroundings. I dream of times when I had emotions, before I began to hate.

I dream of what I wanted to be and all the things I wanted to say. Then I think of what went wrong, how much I hate IT, society, legal system ,The State. I think of reality - all the hate and people abusing me emotionally, physically, mentally. It's all pushed me too far over the edge. I think of how much I need relief from it all. How much I wish nothing existed, that I never existed, and my eyes would cease from opening for eternity. Shut forever, hiding from life, running to the fight.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

JUNKY



Look at all those boxes... Valium, Endone, OxyNorm, OxyContin... These are things I have been constantly taking for the last four years because of the car-accident. Sure, it was good to start with - "Wow I get OxyCodone and Valium! Yay!"

Little did I know that I would soon be hooked on it, needing it to function properly. It sucks. Then, I run out, I go to see my GP and find she is away. What to do? See another doctor at the same clinic and get evil looks from them like I'm a junky? Go to A&E and get the same treatment but come out at the end of it with some 'scripts? Ring up the After Hours Clinic and get the same treatment yet again but not get any? Decisions decisions... A&E it is, or was yesterday rather.

Why do doctors look at you like you are the scum of the universe when you are on these such medications? It's not like I'm the little fuck who tried to hold up the pharmacy last week with a syringe full Hepatitis infected blood demanding OxyContin for my drug-fucked girlfriend - I am on these medications for LEGITIMATE reasons, and really, they are a very very very low dose considering the circumstances...

I have known people to be on 80mg OxyContin for a sprained leg! I have a fucking fractured SPINE and I am only on TEN MILLIGRAMS!!! I have severe depression, anxiety, P.T.S.D (post traumatic stress disorder) and insomnia yet I am only on 5mg of Valium!

Sure these drugs do what they are supposed to, but they are too damn addictive... I am hooked now and if I go without, my day is hell... each and every day I go without makes me more and more angsty, wanting to just end it. Withdrawal - sweating, shaking, goosbumps - I look like a damn junky coming off heroin for fucks sake!

Thank God I have FINALLY found a decent GP. One who actually cares. One who is against these drugs, but still prescribes them because of my addiction, but supporting me by helping to ween me off them. She doesn't just write scripts willy-nilly like GPs have done in the past... go in Friday and get some, then again on Monday without question - THAT IS WRONG. And you know what is even MORE wrong? Suddenly cutting my supply when they FINALLY start to actually do their job, seeing that I should have 240 pills left... and not having any... because he was a shit arse GP.

This is all in my Victim Impact Statement... how it has fucked me up in many ways including making me a drug addict...

Sentencing is next, but the fuck will get a pretty lenient sentence if you ask me... I have lost ALL faith in the legal system and the State all together... I can see that my dreams will be reckoned one day - that of being an ex-pat. Fuck this country and it's crap sentencing...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Socialist State of Ravengrad



The Socialist State of Ravengrad is commanded by Commander Davie Clarke. This country has instilled a healthy fear of government which has secured Davie Clarke as life-long ruler. Technology is at the forefront of scientific research and the nation flourishes with superior communication and means of production. Government sponsored programs for health care allow any individual who owns land to receive care.

The citizens of Ravengrad follow a general rule to only pick fights with weaker individuals and stay out of the way of stronger individuals. This country is proudly guarded by a fleet of men wearing kilts and carrying giant pikes and hand grenades. Citizens are allowed to privately practice any religion which is officially approved by the government. All children in Ravengrad ages five to thirteen are eligible for free placement testing to determine their proper schooling placement.

Many citizens see a need to be eco-friendly and have started a coalition for the advancement of the 'tree hugger'. Corporations are allowed to make decisions outside the control of the government given they pay and 'Independent Practices Tax' and report all dealings to a specified government official for quality assurance purposes, and this government has promised many civil liberties, but conveniently have overly bureaucratic structures in place which ensure the untimely release of any social freedoms.

Sharing the best of ourselves

I just read the following article this morning. It is by Anne Rennie, published in Australian Catholic's, p.6, Spring 2009 issue. I hope you find some insight in it also!

Sharing the best of ourselves
Affirming each person we meet.
Australian writer David Malouf writes of "the sacrament of daily existence", the ordinary, prosaic, uneventful graced power of people living good lives in community. These are communities built on healthy relationships of trust and tolerance, of generosity and good sense, of seeing the other in someone else's world view, life style, taste in music or dress sense and inviting that other to see you in the same way. It is about sharing the best of ourselves with others and vice versa.

I met my husband doing a writing course and, as is the way with romance, the beans were spilt slowly and carefully over the months of courtship. I was in my mid-thirties, had done the traveling, cleaning and barmaiding all over England, had picked daffodils in Cornwall, run a disco in Guernsey and sold kitchens in Wimbledon. I was back in Melbourne after eight carefree years.

As we got to know each other I confessed that I wanted to be the best me I could be. To find that part of me I had decided to pursue my passion for the written word. Fortunately he had decided to pursue his passion for me, and we married six months after our first date. And he still believes, after fifteen years, that the best of me is still to come.

My favourite quote is George Eliot's, "It is never too late to be who you might have been." And so I persist - with love and encouragement and only the occasional groan when I get too precious or forgetful - to do the things that lift my life beyond its demands and dailiness. I look at beautiful paintings, read unfashionable books, dress with a fine disregard for the bland and beige and don't dally over dusting. I am free to be me, to do some of the things I love.

Meanwhile, my husband is busy finishing his rites-of-passage novel and waiting for the Tiger of old to come good again. Our daughter watches Mum and Dad and her uncles and aunts and teachers and other adults doing their bit in the local choir or at the op-shop or volunteering their time for those in need. She will learn, I hope, that the best of someone is not something to be kept secret and shrouded, but to be shared so that we all benefit in this goodness, this vast renewable sustainable resource that only humans can create.

Healthy relationships allow people to be who they truly are, their essential selves, stripped of affectation and ambition, the false adornments and layers we build in trying to become what other people want. It is about being authentic - where the outer person truly reflects the inner person. It is about seeing the good before the bad, prioritising the positive and seasoning all relationships with empathy, compassion, a bit of forgiving and forgetting and a good dose of laughter.

If we can find and affirm the best of each person we meet, whether spouse or sibling, colleague or child, surely we are on the way to living out in our ragged, messy, holy, hopeful, human way that sacrament of daily existence, the blessedness of minutes, hours, days and years of our lives.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Back from church!



I just got home from Mass at Sacred Heart North Albury (pictured above - no I didn't sketch it, I found it on their website, which is soon to be updated, again, no, not by me... I read it in the bulletin.)

The last time I went inside as church was the Assumption, which was a little while ago now. I have been lazy, greedy - basically all the seven deadly sins, plus some.

But today however I decided to change that around and go to Mass... OK so I was stoned... but still, I was moved. It seems I was really meant to go. Those of you reading who aren't believers, or are believers but not specifically practicing or church-goers, you wouldn't understand... everyone else who happens to be reading that do go to church will understand!

The First Reading was about what Godless people are saying about Godly people - how we should prove God by having him deliver us from torture etc;.

The Second Reading mostly the latter half spoke to me about praying, and how not getting things is because of not praying, or praying incorrectly, or praying for the wrong reasons. I really need to pray - start again - and not just for things I want, but just to say "Thanks!" for something!!! And not "Thanks!" coz I scored something!!!

Today's (vigil) Gospel was of the last days warning to the disciples, and how when we welcome children in our arms, we welcome Jesus. And when we welcome Jesus, we welcome God. That made me think more about my attitude towards kids... all I think of them is that they are annoying, loud, too much effort and sticky... sure I have neices and nephews, but that's different... I don't see them all the time!!!

Finally, in the bulletin, it was advertising a new website, also advertising that the parish will have a volunteer to update it, and finally, that the new issue of Together is available (which is the free monthly paper in the Wagga Wagga Diocese).

I will leave you with the readings in case you wish to read them yourselves!

These are the readings for the Twenty-Fifth Sunday in Ordinary Time, according to the Roman Catholic tradition, as used in liturgy throughout the world (at least I am pretty sure we have the same readings in the English speaking world!)

First Reading Wisdom 2:12,17-20
Second Reading James 3:16-4:3
Gospel Mark 9:30-37

Down by the river...





Here I am... down by the river... faster internet here than at home!!!

AFL Grand Final - go Saint's!

It has been one hell of a year... My grandmother passed away in April, my grandfather moved into a home and sold his house, also reverting to his original AFL team of St. Kilda after grandmothers death. Now after last night, St. Kilda beat the Bulldogs, so they have a place in the AFL Grand Final against either Geelong or Collingwood... so for my grandfather's sake, let's hope St. Kilda win the final!!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Moggy is fine!



We had a little bit of a scare the other night and had to take Moggy all the way to the vet at 11pm... trashed from drinking Vodka, Banana Mudslide and smoking dope. What happened you ask? Well, I decided it was a good idea to rearrange the place, moving the couch - with Moggy under it.

I was in the kitchen and Kyle heard something strange, "That's not the music," he says, and we realise it's Moggy crying!!! I pull the couch up to save him and only his front legs were working. It didn't take us long to throw some clothes on and pop over next door to the vet and call the after-hours emergency line. Dr. Fraunfelder was there withing 15mins and took him in over night, giving him an injection of something.

We picked him up the next morning - Thursday - and he was fine, back to normal, just a little dopey. Turns out he only had bruising on his spine so his legs stopped working, but it heals on its own. So the bill wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be, but I'm still going to pay it off over two or three installments! The only thing I care about is Moggy is alright... I love him! I am going to start getting him little treats... like Cravers... and when I get fish 'n' chips, I'll give him half my fish coz he LOOOOVED it the other night!!! Or I'll go really up market and buy him a salmon steak from Coles and cook it for him one night! He's 11, which is 77 in cat years, so he deserves the best! I'm going to have him cremated and put in an urn when he leaves... hopefully that won't be for another ten years, and the rate he's going, it won't be anytime soon!
Lord,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change those things I can, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I may have to kill because they piss me off.
Dad got on to the Police Prosecutor and the Police Informant for the court case I am meant to attend in Melbourne in the County Court of Victoria this Monday.

I really really really didn't want to go, but was a subpoenaed witness... all fixed now though!

I may not be needed on Monday, but may be needed in the future. Dad is coming to pick me up this morning so we can fax some paper-work off too the Prosecutor. Medical documents and such. I also posted off a signed Victim Impact Statement on Wednesday.

So now I don't have to go - YAY!!! I will have to go another time no doubt... but right now my mental state just isn't the best to go to the courthouse, give evidence, reliving the events, then to be cross-examined by some guy trying for a lighter sentance... bah. 

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Religion 'n stuff


Tomorrow I am going to do it - go to church. I haven't been since The Assumption, nor have I prayed, read anything religious, done anything religious but have done plenty that's somewhat contradictory to my religion.
I really need to make an appointment with a priest and talk to them about things, also have confession regularly. I never think I need to go. I'm not one of those people who think it's a little strange to tell a stranger (even if you know the priest) your sins. I do believe there is a benefit from it - it is out of your system and in someone elses... where it will stay forever unless the priest tells, thus breaking the age-old law of the seal of confession.
A list is what I need... really examine my conscious over a few days and write down my sins. Not everything I classify a sin however, some I don't agree Church teaching on, but mostly I agree.
So... off to mass tomorrow morning, Sacred Heart Parish, North Albury!

Moooorning!

Feels like I am sixteen again... sitting in a dark, dingy little flat, tele going but on mute with music blaring from the speakers as I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee after coffee... and smoke dope too...

Sometimes I wish I were that age again... life seemed hard then but in perspective was nothing compared to now. It was such an effort to sign on and even write this post - and the laptop was handed to me, internet connected and already still signed in on Blogger from yesterday... depression sucks. I am controlled by this huge pill that erases all emotion, feeling and fun. I want to get off them... then I'll just want to neck myself! Hmm decisions decisions...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Firstly, excuse the errors with grammar and spelling... I am a little trashed... funny that I write something in this state under the banner of the Victorian Police... but whatever - it's all democratic-monarchist-government... ger rid of it and replace it with The People!

Anywho, I am meant to give evidence at the County Court in Melbourne, but I'm not going... I have given them a statement and posted a Victim Impact Statement today... I'm not reliving that trauma again so some bastard goes to gaol.

PARTY

Having a little party today... why? Coz we can! But also because it is Kyle's pay-day and he is going to Melbourne then straight back to Woodenbong - this Saturday! He came in July, he stayed about a month then we went to Woodenbong (Nth NSW) for two-weeks, then back here for two-weeks.

I am meant to go to court on Monday to give evidence in the trial about the car-accident... I'm not going though... brings back too much... they can deal without me can't they? They have my statement! So I guess as well as partying I am forgetting also!!! What better way than Vodka and O.J, and Vodka and Banana Mudslide shooters, and dope too of course! Well one way it could be better... OxyNorm or OxyContin... but alas I have none and will have trouble getting it next time! But that's not for here, but another time!

Party time!!!

Dark Angel

The dark crimson dripping black tears forth from my heart. It is the dark-angel of light; has the appearance of us with a macabre and morbid fetish, but brings goodness. I didn't lose my faith; it lost me. The last time I went to Veritas Central (the Catholic store in Albury) was when I bought a keyring of Our Lady. I lost it somewhere between my house and IGA though... since then I stopped going to mass... stopped seeing psychologist... drug and alcohol... and been taking a shit load of drugs.

This angel is inside of me just wanting to break free from the shackles of drug addiction - a couple of pills that control my every move! I already have a scar starting to show up from my needles... and I use too much, it's not healthy for me physically or mentally and emotionally. I need to grieve... all I've done these last four years has been wallow in the gutters, pissed, stoned and wired.

Coffee & Cigarette's

Been up since 4am, onto my third coffee and Kyle went to APCO to buy smokes this morning - and coffee and milk! We were all out of milk and had shitty coffee. He's back in bed now, but not for long as we have a visitor around 9am. We're gonna head into town today and have goodbye drinks... Kyle is going back to Woodenbong after going to Melbourne this weekend. I really don't want to go to Melbourne... I have to give evidence about a car accident I was involved in, injured seriously (fractured spine) and lost a good friend. That's in the County Court - Magistrates Court is scary enough without the wigs and black gowns! Eek!!!

So today we shall head to the SS&A for a few bevy's then who knows what! I need to call the pharmacy to check if I can collect my OxyContin... I hope I can... hanging out BAD.

Sunrise is pretty good today... talking about drugs at the moment, but there was something else on I want to see... and Naomi Robson returns after a few years off-air, on The Morning Show! I wonder if she is replacing Kylie Gillies or just filling in? I love Naomi, so I'm glad she's back :-)

Anywho, back to my coffee and cigarettes!

Damn I can't post this yet, I need to recharge my internet stick!!! Arghh... I'll publish it later today once I have credit :-)

When will it be kool?


You see a lady push her pram down the street with a hijab (head scarf) covering her hair and neck. The Jewish man with his kids, big black hat and long wool coat with a couple-a-hundred penny's inside. The organic eating, bottled-water drinking, non-meat and dairy vegan Buddhists... and what do you think?

"Good on here for practicing her faith and believing in God... I wish I did..."
"That poor guy has had family go through tough times without doubt in Nazi Europe, and still persecuted to this day."
"Well this person must be a really insightful and happy being!"

What about a Christian? Old men dressed in different coloured gowns, performing strange rituals with a piece of wafer and some wine from out the back. Boiled lollies in his pocket to lure kids back to his gingerbread presbytery. The followers are all just dumb sheep, following another dumb sheep. A bunch of goody-goody losers. Why?

I am gay. I use drugs. I enjoy the gothic sub-culture. I'm about as alternative as you can get - but I am still Catholic! Whenever I get slack for it, I bet if I were Muslim, Jewish or one of the Eastern Religions, nothing would be said because it would be a hate crime. Attacking Christians (verbally and physically) is also a hate crime, but it is seen differently because we are not a minority.

Everyone tip-toes around the other religions, even scared to ask them something - "Why do you wear that on your head? What is it called?" Christianity on the other hand is simply dusted under the carpet which the secular world sees as an archaic, ostentatious institute with no place in the modern world - almost as though it is a big embarrassment!

When will there be a day that someone finds out I am Catholic - but still everything else I am - without being shocked? Will there ever be a day like that? Sadly, I think not. No matter how many companys try to upsell Christianity, all the different churches drawing in crows such as Hillsong, but I doubt their faith is that big, just a free concert.

One only needed to go to World Youth Day in Sydney, 2008, to see that Christian's can be kool! There were plenty of your garden-variety Catholic's who take their faith for granted because it never left them, the ones who came back and ones slowly dripping back, but plenty of different ones such as myself! Roaming the streets of Sydney, chanting "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie!!! Oy Oy Oy!!!" then competing with the Yanks "U S A! U S A!" Whistles in mouths being blown like the entire city was one big club, minus the music and alcohol.

On the trip back from there I met some alternative guys from Canberra who were at WYD08 - they were  detained by police for a little bit on the way to Randwick for the final Mass with His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI. Why? Because they were yelling things back at protesters; people holding massive banners such as "Sydney Atheists" and more. Atheists hey? Might drop my WYD backpack full of Catholic items and join atheism! As if - what a waste of a day they had!

Enough rambling... just look inside and see that we can all have beliefs, yet be completely different, even contradictory to certain teachings either because of not agreeing with it, or out of weakness like myself and drugs. As for the gothic sub-culture? That has been there for ages, and always will be. I may not dress that way much anymore, but I still have the clothes, chains and fashion!

Technical Issues


It always happens... I really want to use FaceBook but it's not working properly! I can't do the colour blind test, upload my new pic (above- gay Catholic flag) and read my messages!!! Arghh!!! Damn technical issues!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Yesterday and today I set up my prayer table... it was my desk with the tele on it and junk, but I moved that onto my new TV cabinet. I have a picture that folds open of Mary on one side, Jesus on the other. Statues of the Seven Archangels, NJB Bible, Catechism, crucifix and small picture of the Icon of Our Lady. On the wall above I have my Columban calendar, a few posters of Pope Ben, a Holy Spirit wooden wall hang thingo I received for my First Communion and Confirmation. There's the famous picture of Jesus by Leo Da Vinci, a cross, and three sets of rosary beads - special wooden WYD08 ones, very large, chunky, monk-style black ones, and a nice, smaller, fashionable type, which is also black.

Now I have this and I am sorting through my stuff, I can turn toward God... get off my track of thought "God Loves You!" and more God-fearing... Sure, God loves us, but when it goes to your head (like me) it's not healthy. I see things at the moment as I do what I want and if God doesn't like it, I'll have a beef with him when I get up there! But I want to change to actually go to Mass once again, go to reconciliation, see my priest, start going to the young adults group again.

I think the best thing for my mental and social life I need a change of scene... but where? And how?

Angel / Demon

You know in the cartoons where a character will see an imaginary angel on one side (usually the left!) and the demon on the other, trying to put forth their idea; one to do good, one evil. That's what I feel like right now... I might first add that yes, I am stoned.

Once I was very devout about my faith and showed it visually and physically in the church. I used to wear an alternative industrial-goth fashion with a cross tie and large chunky crucifixes. I was very proud, and showed it. Then things started going down hill... after making a certain phone-call, my parents kicked me out of home - where I was only living "temporarily" in the rumpus-room - for three months - so I lived on the street for about two-weeks before moving into Quamby House, the mens shelter run by St. Vincent de Paul.

Soon I started smoking dope again with the boys, ended up being kicked out because I was caught with a bong up my shirt... I went to a psych ward, then back to Quamby House for a few months - until I was caught smoking dope again. They did a room search and found dope, a bong, pipe and used needles. Oops. So out I went again to emergency accomodation, then back to Quamby a month or so later. I didn't last long that last time, as Housing offered me this flat I'm in now, so I said bye bye to Quamby and moved in here!

At the start of the year, while I was still at Quamby, I was also using Buprenorphine via I.V, and it grew into a bigger habit where I now I.V my meds. I have lost all care for anything or anyone except drugs - dope, morphine, alcohol...

Then there's the angel...

I am still a believer in God... however perhaps I got too far on the "God Loves You" band-wagon and that's how I have ended up not praying or reading or doing anything Catholic. Perhaps what I need is some more discipline and fear-factor of things... get me along to Mass, involved in the youth group and off drugs!