And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the Earth and all the seas of the Earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" he shouted. "Where is your Ark?"
"Lord, you must forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and re-draw the plans. Then I got into a fight with the occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
"Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with the City Council & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.
"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra.
"I finally convinced the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras; so, no kookaburras.
"The carpenters soon formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by the RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Thought it was a bit much.
"Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBDs, Melways & a Gregory's.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
"The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN for the GST.
"I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.
"I also need a Boat Drivers Licence but they are debating about how to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from Greenpeace, the RSPCA, Work Cover, the Sheriff's Office & numerous other government departments.
"Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the Earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
"God, I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are no longer going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The bureaucracy has beaten me to it. I think I'll just send a drought instead!"
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