2015: A Reflection

Dark Night Year of the Soul

Darkness. Overwhelming feeling of nothingness. Like God doesn't exist. Not an uncommon feeling so I've heard among faithful followers, even some notable Saints – St. Teresa of Avila, Bl. Mother Teresa, even the Apostle of Divine Mercy St. Faustina Kowalska had her moments. But what does it mean? Is God dead? Does He not exist? No – nothing of the sort! Just another trial to get through, in the end I will feel better, more loved by Him.

This is how I've been feeling for the most part of 2015 – another reason I have barely written in this blog for some time. I shouldn't be surprised though. It's something I was expecting to happen, I just had to keep telling myself: "He does exist, you know that. You believe that. Have faith, hope and trust in Him." 

I guess earlier this year I hit a theological barrier, I had an epiphany of sorts, funnily enough around the date of the feast of the epiphany! I was hit full force with a sudden realisation/understanding just why certain behaviours and actions are sinful. Sure, I've known for a while, but I never really understood how or why, so I would continue to "give in to temptation" in regards to certain sins, thinking my conscience is a better judge of my own behaviour being sinful or not. Above the teachings of the Church, which ultimately are the same teachings as Christ. Do I know better than Jesus Christ? The second person of the Triune, Eternal God? After undertaking my own research from a variety of differing views, I altered my personal opinion.

Things started opening up a whole new way of looking at the world. I was starting to understand it much better, though I was faced with issues I am still yet to fully resolve. Applying the things I have learnt – Catholic teachings – to my life. It appears I must "die to myself in order to live" (Matt 10:39)